This loneliness is the worst. I am not actually alone. There are so many people and yet, my heart is shaking and crumbling and threatening to fall apart. I tell myself that being lonely is impossible; I am with so many people! But I went out for dinner with friends today and it felt like I shouldn’t have been there. Uninvited, unwanted – even though I was called.

I saw a trailer of a movie and I can’t remember its name but there was a line there relating life to a mall and the girl finally moving on from just window-shopping in the mall of life. It summed up what I am doing so perfectly. Window-shopping in the mall of life because I don’t feel like I can afford anything it has to give.

I’m so tired that it’s impossible to wake up. I need to find a way to make this stop.


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