I had written an entry, under Daily Prompt, about the one person who I never want should read my blog. Just in case you didn’t, here it is – https://scriptunderconstruction.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/trespassers-will-break-my-heart/ It’s about my father and I don’t want him to read my blog because it would disappoint him one way or the other. Who would want to know that their daughter is so screwed up in the head and can’t pull herself together?
Yet, in a spurt of courage, I told him about my blog and encouraged him to read it. I thought that if he knew how I felt, what I was going through, what ran through my head… maybe, just maybe, he would understand me and try to see things from this side of the wall that stands between us. I was so hopeful; even ecstatic at the idea of being so close to my father, then man I love but cannot love at the same time. Like most things that I do, this was wrong. This trail of thought was wrong. I was wrong.
He just converted everything into – ‘you’re getting distracted from the main thing, academics’. I just discovered that in life, feelings do not matter at all. The tears might mean something to you, the sinking feeling around might mean something to you, your legs giving away from the pain and hurt of everything around might mean something to you but all these things do not mean anything to anyone else. At all. And I was foolish enough to believe that parents will always understand us, always believe in us, always be there for us but I was wrong. My parents proved this statement wrong.
I am going to do well. I am going to do bloody well. And I am not going to do it for anyone else. I am not going to do it to shove it in my dad’s face and say, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I am going to do what makes me happy. Screw what everyone else in the entire planet thinks. It’s not worth the effort to care about what does or does not disappoint others. I keep learning this over and over and over and over.